Posts Tagged ‘ Life ’

Behind my wall

I have been doing a bit of thinking lately. About life, about family, about friends. I came to a conclusion. My life is good, it may not be 100% perfect, but in the haphazardness that it is, I wouldn’t want it any other way. My family, one #1 thing I look at as my grounding rock, what keeps me focused and driven, I would want them any different, no matter how chaotic they all can be at times. Which brings me to my friends..a tough topic lately for me. I’ve done some thinking about this and realized while I’ve made friends along the way in my long journey through life, I’ve realized one truth that has been in my face the whole time. I don’t have many true friends what so ever.

 

To explain the difference, I look at it like this. the “friends” I do have, we talk from time to time, occasionally hang out or see each other in passing. the “friends I’ve known since I was a kid” all live one to several states away. We don’t hang out, we don’t hardly talk, and we hardly visit. I’ve made some work friends since being in Ny, but we don’t really hang out either. And when I want to hang out or do something and break out of my introvert shell that I’m now becoming more aware of, I get the feeling I’m the outcast.

 

I don’t discuss this what anyone because I put up a wall and hide it away behind a smile and a joke and a laugh, but behind that wall, I feel hurt. I don’t know how to explain it any other way but that’s how I feel. I think my fiance kind of senses that something is a miss, but I don’t say anything (that wall again) and it’s hard for me to do, because she is like that too. Introverted, content being in then out, and I don’t blame her. I’m becoming more and more shut in by my own decision to shut the world out. No one will understand where I am in thinking this I guess.

 

This coming weekend was an event for a game I play from time to time but still collect cards and trade off and up for others. But I made the decision today to skip it after a week of thinking I wanted to go. Tonight kind of sealed the deal on me not going (wall again) so I’m gonna keep behind my wall, safe and comfortable and sad because that seems to be the place I belong.

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I can’t wait forever

So earlier this week, it happened. Something I didn’t foresee or expect. A layoff. I thought I was done with those, but I guess not. Now while going through this, I did experience some of the normal feelings that come with it. Anger, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety…All normal things. Now I was promised that this would not be a permanent thing, and I should, SHOULD being the key word here boys and girls, be back to work before month end. Not while that’s all well and good, I don’t really want to sit and wait for the event that end of month comes, and nothing has changed, I’m still out of a job. So I can’t wait. I need to get looking now in the event that something happens and I don’t go back to my job. I loved it there, I really did. the environment, the people, how close it was to home. I loved it. But I can’t sit on baited breath hoping I get a magical phone call saying “Hey, we have the new contract signed and you can come back to work on Monday.” I have to look now. Fingers crossed a friend of mine can come through for me on a possible job where she works, which would be awesome but we’ll see.  BTW, this was just a short update haha. Nothing super major or dramatic to blog about today. Just wanted to get all that off my chest. Until next time kids!  #MaximumEffort

Discovered

So over the past several weeks, I’ve mad a few discoveries. Some good, some bad. Most recently is the discovery that emotionally I’m more worse off then I realized or would ever admit to. I have not been to a doctor for a diagnosis as to my state, but I can say this as I type this, that depression is pretty apparent. I get into days where I wish everyone, friends, family, would vanish. Days where the world would end and it wouldn’t matter to me. Days where I felt more alone regardless of how close to people I was. It doesn’t matter how much love is expressed to me, I would feel alone, unwanted, unloved. It’s a hard and cold reality that I am working on coming to terms with. My fiance is also battling the same situation, so alot of what she experiences, and goes through on a daily basis mirror alot of what I would bury deep inside. I know that I should probably talk to someone about this, and yeah, it might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, I do not want to be placed on medication where it takes what little of me is left away. I’ve seen the effects of what medication can do to a person, it scares the hell out of me to think about it.

 

The other thing I’ve come to discover and realize is that no matter how many friends and family you have, 90% of them are transparent, fake, and only around for when it suits them. I’ve made friends at work, school, other settings such as the online gaming community and sadly, at the end of it all, 90% aren’t truly around. Do I speak to these same people? Not as much anymore mainly because there is no reason to keep a good communication open with them because in the end, they never were really there for you in the first place. It sucks but it’s a cold harsh reality. I keep up the act that things are fine, when in reality, if those people were to just vanish, it wouldn’t hurt my feeling any, nor would I lose sleep over it. Same goes with family. I haven’t seen some of my family in a few years. Does it bug me a little bit? Yes, but it doesn’t mean that my feelings will change any. They chose to not be in my or my son or fiance life. I didn’t twist their arm or push them away, they did it all on their own.

 

So as I conclude this, do I care if one of the 90% of those people come across this? Not really. Why? Well it’s simple really. It will give them a good chance to read about just how I am, mentally, emotionally. It’s truly nothing personal, it’s just a realization that honestly, I’ve been pushing down inside for most of my life. I want it to change, I want to be accepting of more friends and family, but what’s the point honestly? To be betrayed, to be forgotten about, to never matter to any of them? I don’t really want more of what I’ve gone through to keep happening. I think at this point, the best thing to do is to continue to distance myself from those who never truly mattered in the first place and maybe, someday, they’ll go away on their own.

Time never forgets

Me and my fiance were watching this new show called Class, which is a Doctor Who spin-off series, which is brilliant, but getting back on track, The Doctor had a quote from the first episode that he was on which I loved, especially the last line of it.

“Sometimes you have to take survival upon yourselves. What will you do when the shadows come? When you can’t turn away from the darkness ahead. Time has looked at your faces before and time never forgets”

It takes alot for a quote to have an impact on me but the ending line of the that speech, “Time never forgets” means something to me. What I think it means is that our lives are short and that what ever we do, for good or bad, time never forgets those things. So make the most of the life you have. Face the tough days head on, be sure to apologize to the ones you hurt, even if it’s something you didn’t mean to say because i really feel that time never forgets those things good or bad.

This is a short rant so keep that in mind.

Feeling like a bottle under extreme pressure as of late, what better forum to release that tension then in a rant. I’ll keep is short as I don’t want to end up rambling on.

Last weekend we went to a convention in Syrcause that we’ve been building up for for weeks, the word was spread, family was called, friends were told, stuff like that. And in the hopes that we would have more family attend to support us, hardly anyone came. Sure I know that people have lives and driving anywhere from 2-4 hours is tough, and with some having little ones, I can completely understand the stress and potential trouble of traveling can be. But when you can’t even say I can’t make it or atleast lie about why you can’t come, that upsets me.

Another thing that bugs the hell out of me is the fallout of this election. People were divided, still are. People were at each other’s necks because their candidate won over the other, still are. friendships were ended, or broken, and now there are riots, murders, and I doubt it will end there. I always have wondered what would happen when chaos reigns over us all and I feel in the coming months, we will find out.

Lastly, back to my first point about family. I have some family, not on my side because God forbid they give a crap, but I have family on my fiance’s side that atleast gives a shit, well some of them anyway. On my side, I have hardly anyone. I have family sure, mom, dad, step dad and step mom, a few step siblings, two brothers, a sister in law, a friend who i considered my sister, a niece, a cousin, hell I even have family that doesn’t live all that far form us. All of which I haven’t seen in coming on five years. Yeah social media is great and all, but to be face to face with them, to talk and to spend time with them is WAY better. Which is why I made the extra effort to suggest they come visit, as they were only a 2hr drive, way better then the 4hr one they would have had to make to come all the way to our place to visit. But no, no phone call, no text, no message on facebook…nothing from no one. and now that it’s been almost a week, still nothing.

So here I sit, crushed under the weight of sadness, bitterness and rage, all over a family that for a moment I thought would have taken time from their “busy” lives to come for a Sunday drive and visit, catch up, spend time with us, but alas, NOPE. So I’m twisting arms anymore, not begging or pleading or ever asking anymore. I have officially reach the point of no return on those people.

I know that I said this was gonna be short, and it is, compaired to how I still feel and the cussing and things I wanted to add. So in closing, I say this. Sure you cannot pick your family but if I had it my way, I’d pick to be with out any of them before having to deal with them. this feeling may change, in time, but not today.

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