Posts Tagged ‘ depression ’

Behind my wall

I have been doing a bit of thinking lately. About life, about family, about friends. I came to a conclusion. My life is good, it may not be 100% perfect, but in the haphazardness that it is, I wouldn’t want it any other way. My family, one #1 thing I look at as my grounding rock, what keeps me focused and driven, I would want them any different, no matter how chaotic they all can be at times. Which brings me to my friends..a tough topic lately for me. I’ve done some thinking about this and realized while I’ve made friends along the way in my long journey through life, I’ve realized one truth that has been in my face the whole time. I don’t have many true friends what so ever.


To explain the difference, I look at it like this. the “friends” I do have, we talk from time to time, occasionally hang out or see each other in passing. the “friends I’ve known since I was a kid” all live one to several states away. We don’t hang out, we don’t hardly talk, and we hardly visit. I’ve made some work friends since being in Ny, but we don’t really hang out either. And when I want to hang out or do something and break out of my introvert shell that I’m now becoming more aware of, I get the feeling I’m the outcast.


I don’t discuss this what anyone because I put up a wall and hide it away behind a smile and a joke and a laugh, but behind that wall, I feel hurt. I don’t know how to explain it any other way but that’s how I feel. I think my fiance kind of senses that something is a miss, but I don’t say anything (that wall again) and it’s hard for me to do, because she is like that too. Introverted, content being in then out, and I don’t blame her. I’m becoming more and more shut in by my own decision to shut the world out. No one will understand where I am in thinking this I guess.


This coming weekend was an event for a game I play from time to time but still collect cards and trade off and up for others. But I made the decision today to skip it after a week of thinking I wanted to go. Tonight kind of sealed the deal on me not going (wall again) so I’m gonna keep behind my wall, safe and comfortable and sad because that seems to be the place I belong.



So over the past several weeks, I’ve mad a few discoveries. Some good, some bad. Most recently is the discovery that emotionally I’m more worse off then I realized or would ever admit to. I have not been to a doctor for a diagnosis as to my state, but I can say this as I type this, that depression is pretty apparent. I get into days where I wish everyone, friends, family, would vanish. Days where the world would end and it wouldn’t matter to me. Days where I felt more alone regardless of how close to people I was. It doesn’t matter how much love is expressed to me, I would feel alone, unwanted, unloved. It’s a hard and cold reality that I am working on coming to terms with. My fiance is also battling the same situation, so alot of what she experiences, and goes through on a daily basis mirror alot of what I would bury deep inside. I know that I should probably talk to someone about this, and yeah, it might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, I do not want to be placed on medication where it takes what little of me is left away. I’ve seen the effects of what medication can do to a person, it scares the hell out of me to think about it.


The other thing I’ve come to discover and realize is that no matter how many friends and family you have, 90% of them are transparent, fake, and only around for when it suits them. I’ve made friends at work, school, other settings such as the online gaming community and sadly, at the end of it all, 90% aren’t truly around. Do I speak to these same people? Not as much anymore mainly because there is no reason to keep a good communication open with them because in the end, they never were really there for you in the first place. It sucks but it’s a cold harsh reality. I keep up the act that things are fine, when in reality, if those people were to just vanish, it wouldn’t hurt my feeling any, nor would I lose sleep over it. Same goes with family. I haven’t seen some of my family in a few years. Does it bug me a little bit? Yes, but it doesn’t mean that my feelings will change any. They chose to not be in my or my son or fiance life. I didn’t twist their arm or push them away, they did it all on their own.


So as I conclude this, do I care if one of the 90% of those people come across this? Not really. Why? Well it’s simple really. It will give them a good chance to read about just how I am, mentally, emotionally. It’s truly nothing personal, it’s just a realization that honestly, I’ve been pushing down inside for most of my life. I want it to change, I want to be accepting of more friends and family, but what’s the point honestly? To be betrayed, to be forgotten about, to never matter to any of them? I don’t really want more of what I’ve gone through to keep happening. I think at this point, the best thing to do is to continue to distance myself from those who never truly mattered in the first place and maybe, someday, they’ll go away on their own.