What’s been eating at me lately…

So as of late, there are a number of things that have been gnawing at me and I’ve been hanging on to the hope that the sensation to explode with frustration will subside, but it hasn’t, so I’m gonna steal the next few moments to just vent.

So I’m not gonna bore you or take a long winded approach at this and make this a finely comprised blog filled with fancy fonts and things, I’m just gonna get right to it. So to the things that have been eating at me…people who come into a good job, or family member who comes into a good job then it turns into a big show of “oh hey look at me, i got a fancy car and a fancy big house and blah blah blah’, well guess what, no one gives a shit. Good for you for living life in excess, and vanity, but for those of us who have to scratch and claw every damn day to make it by for his family, we don’t brag about our money because we stay humble as a reminder that the hard work we put in everyday is worth it, plus we don’t have it! I’m not saying everyone is like that, because they are not, but in my life experiences, I’ve come across those who are like that, and it just makes me pissed because it’s not out of jealousy that that upsets me, but I feel like it’s rubbed in my face and a not spoken “hey you’ll never have what I have” kind of feeling that just makes me work harder. So to the “so called” family and friends who live that life, it’s no wonder I don’t talk to you.

 

The next thing on my list is people who get pregnant and parade it around like you won the damn loto, well good on you, but for those of us who are less fortunate to not be able to create another life and bring that life to this world, it fucking hurts. My fiance and I have tried for years, and for us to not have another child in this world sucks, but we’ve come to accept that we were blessed to have the hurricane that is out son and are ok with it, but when you have people who can’t even take care of themselves getting knocked up out of the sure vanity and attention of it is just bullshit. I wish you the best of luck, but don’t come crawling on your knees begging for attention when things get tough.

 

Last point I will address and then I’ll wrap this up is what friends I’ve made along my journey in life. I’m greatful to them for being here for me and my family, but to those who disguise yourselves as friends but drop from the face of the earth then show yourselves when it matters to you, get bent. I’m not much of a people person as it is, and when I spend my energy to try and be and remain friends, it’s god damn exhausting. I try and make arrangements and things but when it comes to another excuse it’s exhausting to keep up the positive point of view. My fiance and I have tried and are trying to be more “social” but when shit like this happens, it’s like why bother, but hey what can you do, you can’t change the world, that’s just the way it is.

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Behind my wall

I have been doing a bit of thinking lately. About life, about family, about friends. I came to a conclusion. My life is good, it may not be 100% perfect, but in the haphazardness that it is, I wouldn’t want it any other way. My family, one #1 thing I look at as my grounding rock, what keeps me focused and driven, I would want them any different, no matter how chaotic they all can be at times. Which brings me to my friends..a tough topic lately for me. I’ve done some thinking about this and realized while I’ve made friends along the way in my long journey through life, I’ve realized one truth that has been in my face the whole time. I don’t have many true friends what so ever.

 

To explain the difference, I look at it like this. the “friends” I do have, we talk from time to time, occasionally hang out or see each other in passing. the “friends I’ve known since I was a kid” all live one to several states away. We don’t hang out, we don’t hardly talk, and we hardly visit. I’ve made some work friends since being in Ny, but we don’t really hang out either. And when I want to hang out or do something and break out of my introvert shell that I’m now becoming more aware of, I get the feeling I’m the outcast.

 

I don’t discuss this what anyone because I put up a wall and hide it away behind a smile and a joke and a laugh, but behind that wall, I feel hurt. I don’t know how to explain it any other way but that’s how I feel. I think my fiance kind of senses that something is a miss, but I don’t say anything (that wall again) and it’s hard for me to do, because she is like that too. Introverted, content being in then out, and I don’t blame her. I’m becoming more and more shut in by my own decision to shut the world out. No one will understand where I am in thinking this I guess.

 

This coming weekend was an event for a game I play from time to time but still collect cards and trade off and up for others. But I made the decision today to skip it after a week of thinking I wanted to go. Tonight kind of sealed the deal on me not going (wall again) so I’m gonna keep behind my wall, safe and comfortable and sad because that seems to be the place I belong.

I can’t wait forever

So earlier this week, it happened. Something I didn’t foresee or expect. A layoff. I thought I was done with those, but I guess not. Now while going through this, I did experience some of the normal feelings that come with it. Anger, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety…All normal things. Now I was promised that this would not be a permanent thing, and I should, SHOULD being the key word here boys and girls, be back to work before month end. Not while that’s all well and good, I don’t really want to sit and wait for the event that end of month comes, and nothing has changed, I’m still out of a job. So I can’t wait. I need to get looking now in the event that something happens and I don’t go back to my job. I loved it there, I really did. the environment, the people, how close it was to home. I loved it. But I can’t sit on baited breath hoping I get a magical phone call saying “Hey, we have the new contract signed and you can come back to work on Monday.” I have to look now. Fingers crossed a friend of mine can come through for me on a possible job where she works, which would be awesome but we’ll see.  BTW, this was just a short update haha. Nothing super major or dramatic to blog about today. Just wanted to get all that off my chest. Until next time kids!  #MaximumEffort

Discovered

So over the past several weeks, I’ve mad a few discoveries. Some good, some bad. Most recently is the discovery that emotionally I’m more worse off then I realized or would ever admit to. I have not been to a doctor for a diagnosis as to my state, but I can say this as I type this, that depression is pretty apparent. I get into days where I wish everyone, friends, family, would vanish. Days where the world would end and it wouldn’t matter to me. Days where I felt more alone regardless of how close to people I was. It doesn’t matter how much love is expressed to me, I would feel alone, unwanted, unloved. It’s a hard and cold reality that I am working on coming to terms with. My fiance is also battling the same situation, so alot of what she experiences, and goes through on a daily basis mirror alot of what I would bury deep inside. I know that I should probably talk to someone about this, and yeah, it might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, I do not want to be placed on medication where it takes what little of me is left away. I’ve seen the effects of what medication can do to a person, it scares the hell out of me to think about it.

 

The other thing I’ve come to discover and realize is that no matter how many friends and family you have, 90% of them are transparent, fake, and only around for when it suits them. I’ve made friends at work, school, other settings such as the online gaming community and sadly, at the end of it all, 90% aren’t truly around. Do I speak to these same people? Not as much anymore mainly because there is no reason to keep a good communication open with them because in the end, they never were really there for you in the first place. It sucks but it’s a cold harsh reality. I keep up the act that things are fine, when in reality, if those people were to just vanish, it wouldn’t hurt my feeling any, nor would I lose sleep over it. Same goes with family. I haven’t seen some of my family in a few years. Does it bug me a little bit? Yes, but it doesn’t mean that my feelings will change any. They chose to not be in my or my son or fiance life. I didn’t twist their arm or push them away, they did it all on their own.

 

So as I conclude this, do I care if one of the 90% of those people come across this? Not really. Why? Well it’s simple really. It will give them a good chance to read about just how I am, mentally, emotionally. It’s truly nothing personal, it’s just a realization that honestly, I’ve been pushing down inside for most of my life. I want it to change, I want to be accepting of more friends and family, but what’s the point honestly? To be betrayed, to be forgotten about, to never matter to any of them? I don’t really want more of what I’ve gone through to keep happening. I think at this point, the best thing to do is to continue to distance myself from those who never truly mattered in the first place and maybe, someday, they’ll go away on their own.

Time never forgets

Me and my fiance were watching this new show called Class, which is a Doctor Who spin-off series, which is brilliant, but getting back on track, The Doctor had a quote from the first episode that he was on which I loved, especially the last line of it.

“Sometimes you have to take survival upon yourselves. What will you do when the shadows come? When you can’t turn away from the darkness ahead. Time has looked at your faces before and time never forgets”

It takes alot for a quote to have an impact on me but the ending line of the that speech, “Time never forgets” means something to me. What I think it means is that our lives are short and that what ever we do, for good or bad, time never forgets those things. So make the most of the life you have. Face the tough days head on, be sure to apologize to the ones you hurt, even if it’s something you didn’t mean to say because i really feel that time never forgets those things good or bad.

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